


Halfway to Happy

by innertimetraveldetective



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, past daisy/ lincoln, philindaisy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:28:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26960656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innertimetraveldetective/pseuds/innertimetraveldetective
Summary: 5 times Daisy refused help from her team, +1 time she sought itread tags for CWs
Relationships: Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Bobbi Morse & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Jemma Simmons & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 5
Kudos: 102





	Halfway to Happy

**Author's Note:**

> This has not been proof read and was written in the middle of the night through coffee and tears. This probably shows in the fic.

1  
The first night after Daisy got back, the nightmares followed. She’d left shield to get away from them, from the image of the explosion so far away, from Hive’s whispers that lingered in her mind. She’d left to protect her family from her, from her baggage, her demons; and she was back, so her demons had followed.

Images of Lincoln flashed before her, his last words to her echoing through her skull, but it was Hive saying them, Ward’s stolen voice sickening her to her stomach. He’d tell her that he loved her, he’d smile and tell her to kill herself, he’d cry and tell her how happy she made him. The worst part was how she still longed for him, for Hive, how he made her feel.

She woke up, rolling onto her back, sighing deeply as tears silently rolled down her cheeks, feeling the quakes slowly subside. ‘Idiot’ she scolded herself, hoping against all hope that she hadn’t woken anyone. The last thing she wanted was them, for them to know how bad it was, for them to see her like this. Sure enough, a knock came from the other side of the door. Maybe if she ignored them, they’d go away?

“Open up, Daisy.” May. Daisy sighed again, rolling out of bed and opening the door to her ex-mentor standing before her, her usual stoney expression replaced by one of concern.

“You okay? I felt the quakes.” 

“I’m fine. It was nothing.” Daisy said, going to close the door again. May’s foot stopped her, wedging the door open.

“We’ve been over this, Daisy. You can’t shut us all out, it won’t work. You know Coulson won’t allow it.” Daisy just rolled her eyes, closing the door quickly before fresh tears fell. She wanted them all to stop, to stop caring about her, for them to finally catch onto the harsh truth that she wasn’t worth their love and never would be. They all needed to accept the fact that the Daisy they knew was gone, and that this was who she was now. Quake, the vigilante, the lone-rider.

2  
“Daisy, please let me help.” Jemma begged her as she watched her struggle with her bandages. 

“It’s fine, Simmons.” Was all she said. Why wouldn’t they understand? Why were they all so willingly ignorant to the blatantly obvious fact that she didn’t want their help? She’d left them, she wasn’t asking for their forgiveness, or their pity, nor did she deserve either of them. She didn’t deserve their love, and she kept wishing fruitlessly that they’d stop offering it.

She made her way back to her bunk, her gaze fixed deliberately on the floor, using all of her willpower to ignore the harsh gaze of the agents surrounding her. She opened her bunk, slipping in and half slamming the door behind her, sighing a breath of relief when she could finally revel in the pain of her arms, that ache that she’d missed, the mixture of weak painkillers and shattered bones. 

She thought about what May had said. ‘That was suicidal and stupid’. She wasn’t wrong. Daisy wouldn’t kill herself, she couldn’t handle the guilt if she tried. All she could do was pray that this mission would be her last, that finally this would be the end of her pain.

Someone knocked on the door. People were doing that a lot recently, as though the fact that she wanted to be left alone only made them more eager to talk to her. She ignored them, as usual, but Jemma came in anyway.

“I’m sorry, but I thought these could help with the pain. Are you sure you don’t want any help with the bandages?” she asked her, her voice desperately light and happy, too intentional to the point where it was blatantly obvious that her happiness was a facade, covering up how much it hurt her that her friend was hurting.

“I said I was fine, Simmons, thanks.” Daisy said forcefully. Jemma’s heart broke a little, but she nodded, setting the pills on the side before heading out, Daisy closing the door firmly behind her. She ignored them for the rest of the night. She didn’t need more painkillers than she’d already been given, she needed to feel this, to be reminded of the pain that she herself caused.

3  
“You okay there, tremors?” a voice asked from behind her. She whipped around from where she’d been making herself tea to see Mack standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He must’ve just gotten back from a mission or something, it being 3am and all.

“I’m fine.” She just mumbled, taking her tea and making to leave quickly. The whole point of getting food so late was that she didn’t have to see anyone. He grabbed her arm as she went, making her flinch slightly.   
“You know I’m here if you need me, right? We all are.” He told her, brown eyes loving.

“I told you, Mack. I’m fine.” she said again, brushing his hand off her shoulder and taking her tea back to her bunk. She closed the door firmly behind her, setting her tea down on her bedside table and grabbing her laptop before settling back down on her bed, laptop painfully bright. She’d stopped sleeping since the unfortunate incident with May, not trusting herself to not be a bother. They didn’t need this, didn’t need her messing their lives up more than she already had.

She knew she was being unreasonable, mean even. It wasn’t her fault if they couldn’t see her for the monster she truly was, the murderer. She was only trying to protect them from her, from the horrors that her presence resulted in, the death that followed in her wake.

She couldn’t bear it if any of them died, the guilt would be too much. So the only way was to isolate herself as much as possible, cut herself off from them, and then maybe they’d be okay, despite their insistence upon keeping her close. She’d seen the way they’d look at her, the way they’d look at each other; she’d seen the sadness behind their eyes, almost longing. She loved them, and so she had to stay away.

4  
“Heya, Dee. How’ve you been?” Bobbi asked brightly, smiling at her. Had they not told her? Was she just trying to pretend like everything was okay? She could feel them all looking at her anxiously, waiting hopefully to see if Bobbi could get a reaction out of her. 

“Fine.” She just said, hands fidgeting nervously by her sides. She wanted to go back to the safety of her bunk, to hide in there, where she couldn’t hurt anyone.

“That’s great to hear. I missed you guys.” Bobbi told them, a hand on Daisy’s arm. Murmured words to the like of ‘we missed you too’ sprung up throughout the room, everyone’s gaze still fixed anxiously on Daisy. She looked around to find Coulson, looking him in the eye for the first time she’d gotten back, silently pleading with him to let her leave. He just nodded silent permission, defeated. She left in a hurry, back to her bunk.

“It’s bad, isn’t it.” Bobbi said when Daisy was out of earshot. May just nodded. 

“She’ll be okay. She’s a fighter.”   
Daisy stormed back into her room, punching the door in frustration. Why would they do that to her? Why would they have Bobbi here when they knew that Daisy couldn’t allow herself to be close to them, to any of them. It wasn’t fair, for them to taunt her like that, for them all to be so close, knowing that she couldn’t be with them.

5  
“Agent Johnson, a word.” Coulson requested after the briefing meeting. Daisy sighed, the familiar knot in her chest tightening.

“I just want you to know, that we all recognize that you’re hurting, and that no matter what, we will always be here for you if you need us.” Daisy just nodded, mumbling ‘yes sir.’ before leaving. He sighed, watching her as she left.

The pain that she’d craved before had turned into an interminable numbness, Her days were a blur, just a never ending ache that had its own gravity, weighing her down. The only thing she knew she had to do was keep them safe. She knew what they needed better than them, and what they needed was for her to stay out of the way. She’d already caused enough damage.

She sat on her bed, tears springing to her eyes for absolutely no reason. She wanted out. She was tired and she was hungry and she wanted to get out of this damn base. She wanted to be able to sleep without fear of waking anyone up, to be able to eat when it wasn’t the dead of night. She wanted to be able to be herself, without fear of causing anyone she loved anymore pain.

She was sick of this, sick of shield, of their stupid protocols and their stupid eagle and stupid Mace. Part of her longed for their days on the bus, with Fitz and Jemma, Coulson and May. Back when things were normal, and she was halfway to happy. Anything would be preferable to her life now, lonely, her only energies directed to keeping her loved ones safe. She wanted Hive to take her back, or to collapse into Lincoln’s arms, or to laugh with Trip. They were all gone, though. They were all gone and it was Daisy’s fault.

+1  
The pills sat across from her, mocking her. They’d been staring at her all night, never allowing her to escape their gaze, their seductive whispers, telling her they were there, they were there, a perfect way out. She wanted someone to hold her, to rock her, to tell her she’d be okay. She knew exactly where to find just that, they were down the corridor and to the left. She should protect them, but how could she if she was dead?

It had occurred to her that she’d be better off that way, that maybe she should just listen and so it. She couldn’t hurt them anymore though. Instead she wrapped herself up in a hoodie and took off to May and Coulson’s bunk. She knocked tentatively on the door, face still red and swollen from tears, hands still irritated from scratching. May came to the door, taking one look at the sniffling, tear stained girl before her before wrapping her into a hug, holding her close as she sobbed. 

She felt herself being led to a bed, her hair being stroked, soothing voices murmuring words of comfort to her. She could feel Coulson and May on either side of her, knew her head was buried in May’s chest, that she was safely hidden from the world, that no one could hurt her here, and that she couldn’t hurt anyone.

She could hear May singing a sweet Chinese lullaby to her, feel Coulson’s hand in hers, their bed smelt sweet, like lavender, like home. She felt herself drifting off, and for the first time since she got back, she allowed it, peaceful sleep encompassing her in its comfort.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed :D


End file.
